I Had Hoped …

Dear Little Ladies:

I’m sorry that the world we brought you into is falling down around you.  I had hoped that yours would be a world where love was louder than hate, where kindness was victorious and happiness was perpetual.  I wanted to you to grow up in a world that was colorblind.  And ignorance eradicated.  Where women could be President without ridicule from other women.  Or men.  Where the ties of partisanship were not nearly as strong as the ties of humanity.  And what is right.  Where people spent a whole lot of energy building you up instead of all of their time tearing you down.

I had hoped you would grow up in a world where people could be who they are without fear of hatred or prejudice.  That the spectacle of sensation would vanish and you would be left to rely on intellect and instinct and interest.  I had hoped you would be interesting.  I had hoped that we would bring you into a world of interesting people, ideas, events.

I didn’t realize, little ladies, that the world that you would grow up in would be a kingdom where mean girls rule and fame whores postulate and promote an untouchable image.  An untouchable face.  A world where popular culture laments their wish to “be like the cool kids”.  Where girls are shamed for their clothing, are ashamed of their bodies and dare society to define decency in an effort to parade around half naked in front of you for the cause.  Because that is what makes our foremothers proud.

I had hoped that by the time you went to school black and white would coexist.  A beautiful melding of cultures and ideas.  I had hoped that we could live in the gray.  That we could love in the gray.  That the world could accept love in any form.  Not just the antiquated standard accepted by society.  I had hoped that people would stop hiding behind their heritage and bibles and morals and guns.  That they would listen more, talk less.  That hearts would be opened, mouths shut.  That violence for the sake of violence would be rare.

I had hoped that you would be safe.

This is not the America that I love.  It is not the world I had hoped you would explore.  It seems to me that there is nothing free about stealing and burning and beating and protesting.  There is nothing brave about the deconstruction of of a country that was built on the promise of democracy and a dream.

I had hoped that the lessons we teach from our pulpits of education would resonate.  That voices would prove mightier than fists.  That justice would prevail.  I had hoped that these events would be your history, not my legacy.

But the TV blasts images of violence and hatred and ugliness that I never have understood.  I never will accept.  And I fear that all my intentions for the change I sought to be in this world, change for you, is for naught.  For you do not grow up in a world where little kids can grow up and be who and what they are.  Or who they want.  Without ridicule.  Or pain.  Or spectacle.  Or criticism.  You grow up in a world that condenses your worth into one hundred and forty characters.  And a hashtag.  Selfie is the new self worth.  And to be noticed is the same as to be followed and liked.

I had hoped that things would be different.  That being yourself would be enough. But the world is much more complicated than I imagined. And I can’t protect you from the predators of peers out there hell bent on eating you alive. Brainwashing you with thoughts and words and actions that are unkind.  Unjust.  Unpatriotic.  I can’t shelter you from the storm of self hate that awaits you behind our doors and lurks in the halls of your elementary school.  I can’t stop the ignorance that is tolerated around us.

I had hoped that our love was enough to raise you to be kind.  Would be enough to teach you to be smart.  Could show you your importance.

There is so much beauty to see in this world and I hope – and pray – that you are able to see the world for the beautiful creation that it is and not be blinded by the discoloration of those hell bent on standing in the way of the light.

I hope that you look past the present and desire to make the world better.

Because that is what our children are – right?  A desire to make the world better.  A reason to be better.  You make me want to be better, little ladies.  To want better.  To demand better.

Because you deserve better.

You are my hope.  My hope that tomorrow brings laughter instead of tears.  Love instead of hate.  Peace instead of violence.

You are my hope that the world, filled with such beauty and grace and promise, will somehow, some day, be what we all dreamed and hoped it would be.

You Need A Knew You When Friend

Little Ladies:

In life, there are a lot of things that you need:  Faith, love, passion.  But one of the most important things is friends.  Ladies, you will find that as you get older & change, your “friends” will, too.  You will have lots of different types of friends – friends for fun, friends that teach you to be better, friends that love you unconditionally, friends that you love unconditionally, friends that have conditions,  friends that challenge you to make bad choices, friends that challenge you to make good choices, friends for the moment, friends forever.

If you’re lucky, you will find a friend that one day you can say they knew me when … and the best part of this kind of friend is that they will have known you,  they will have been where ever there is with you, and they will be wherever here is today, still loving you.

Knew You When Friends are rare.  They come around once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.  And you have to be open to and with them.  You have to be willing to love them in their darkest moments so that they will love you.  They don’t make you feel hurt or sad or judged.  They remind you of who you were, how far you’ve come, and believe in you even when you don’t believe in yourself because they see you from a perspective that you will never, ever comprehend.

 Having a Knew You When Friend means not having to share your backstory.  They know it.  They lived it.  They were probably documenting it on FaceBook.  But having someone know your backstory means you can completely let your guard down because they’ve seen you without coffee, picked you up from the party, listened to your heartbreak, celebrated all the really wonderful.  You don’t have to explain yourself.  You just have to pick up where you left off.

 Knew You When Friends are scary, yes.  It means that there is another person out there that knows you all too well.  Knows what you did, what you think, and can remind you when you’re being a hypocrite because you A) said you’d never date a Republican but you did and B) said you’d never felt like this before six weeks ago, too, and C) too many countless dumb things you did, said, thought that should never be brought back up into the light of this lifetime.  They hold that power.  And you’re 98% sure that they won’t use it unless absolutely necessary.  But remember, you have all their dumb ideas, dates, secrets locked tight in the bowels of your brain, too.  Sometimes, that may be the only reason why you are still friends.

There will be times when you will have to remind yourself why you are friends with them.  Knew You When Friends are not immune to getting on your last nerve.  But when you think back you will see why you continue to love them even if you don’t understand why they continue to love you.  You don’t have to understand that.  All you have to know is that you all have grown and changed and instead of growing apart, you’ve found yourself reinventing the boundaries of you friendship based on new needs, new circumstances.

 

Knew You When Friends show up in your voicemail, inbox, newsfeed, front steps unannounced, unapologetic, and completely uninhibited.  They will build forts with your kids and let them call them “Aunt” and “Uncle” (and secretly LOVE it).  Your kids will cry when they leave and draw them pictures and send them emolji messages before bedtime.  Just because.  Knew You When Friends will understand the beauty that are your children and love them for the crazy existence that they are because they see the beautiful inside of you.  And love you for the crazy existence that is you.

 

Knew You When Friends take time.  Years.  Decades.  They don’t just happen.  They linger.  They are ever present.  They are always there.  They are there for a reason.  God chose them for you.  You can’t rush it.  You can’t hide from it.  You just have to let it happen.  And exist.  And be confident that when you find them, they won’t ever let you go.

Not everyone has what it takes to be a Knew You When Friend.  But the ones that do are pretty special.  And you, little ladies, are the most lucky.  Because not only do Mommy & Daddy both have Knew You When Friends, those friends   love you, too.

Alison & Adam:   Thanks for knowing us when … and loving us still.

An Open Letter From Your Teenager’s Teacher

Being a parent is H.A.R.D.  Really hard.  Probably the hardest “job” I’ve ever had.  And I’m only 5.5 years in.  I can’t imagine what the world, expectations, frustrations will be like in another decade.

I feel like I kinda have a leg up because I teach high school.  And I see and hear and am sorta in the know.  But over the past few years, I’ve noticed a lot of angst, sadness, fear of failure.  More than the normal I’m a teenager.  Our kids (and let’s be honest, that’s what teenagers are – kids – they are NOT adults, even if they think they are) are hurting.  They are desperate.  And they are scared.

And their parents are oblivious.

A teacher friend and I tearfully commesurated on how we could explain to parents that their babies need help.  The kids need guidance.  The parents need to know.  They need to know that behind that greasy-in-your-eyes hair is a scared kid.  A sad kid.  A hurting kid.  They need to know that there is a lot of pain that doesn’t make sense but is there.  They need to know so that they can help them navigate.

So, I wrote this Open Letter.  I hope you will read.  And share with every mother of a teenager you know.  Because I know that these kids are loved.  And someone would want to know.